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SUB-PRIMATE CRISIS DAMAGES MORE TOP TORTOISE IS. BANKS

Four more of the largest banks in the Tortoise Islands have been hit by the deepening sub-primate mortgage crisis that has swept The Islands. The crisis has spread overseas in headline news with severe implications for other major world economies such as the United States, Zimbabwe and Europe.

The deepening crisis, which has now swept up four major banks like a broom, began when investors bought off the shelf, under the counter, up the sleeve, below the radar, sleight of hand, collateralized debt obligations hedged by margin calls in securitized mortgages, asset-backed in derivative vehicles and commercial notes side issued under the table. These core vehicles were originally designed by economists from the World Chaos Disorganization (WCD).

The latest dramatic casualties are ChimpiBank, MonkeyLunch, OrangutanStanley and Lemur Brothers, widely regarded as four of the five most respected banks in the Tortoise Islands. Only the legendary Tortoise Bank, largest of all the islands' banks, escaped the crisis.

The Chairman of the Feral Reserve, Mr Alan Dreamspam, is widely expected to intervene in the sub-primate crisis as a matter of urgency as soon as possible without delay, possibly as soon as just two months after the Reserve moves without hesitation to convene an emergency meeting on 1 April next year.

second from top story

SHOCK ERROR FOUND IN ZIMBABWE POLL RESULT

An error has been identified in the official poll results for the June 29 Zimbabwe run-off elections. The election was resoundingly won by Dearest Leader, His Excellency, Wonderful Person, Defender of Justice, Font of Wisdom, Philosopher Extraordinaire, Six Star General, Very Handsome, President For Life, Sir Robert Mugabe M.Econ., K.C.Z.E., Dada Imperial Emperor: Zanu-PF.

The official government results from the Harare Tally Room were 127 per cent for Mr Mugabe (ZANU-PF) and -37 per cent for Mr Morgan Tsangirai (MDC).

Political analysts from the WCD have pointed out that the sum of 127 and -37 is only 90, which would of course be impossible.

The university group has pointed out that ZANU-PF must have fudged the figures by 10 per cent, and that the final corrected tally figures should stand at ZANU-PF (127 per cent) and MDC (-27 per cent), resulting in an accurate margin differential of 154 per cent. The revised figures, however, still deliver a convincing win to Mr Mugabe and world leaders are expected to recognise the election result within days.

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special report

HOPELESS DIAMOND DISAPPEARS FROM CONGO MUSEUM

Police in Central Africa have announced that the world's largest diamond, the Hopeless Diamond, has been stolen. Widely regarded as the most intriguing diamond in the world, the Hopeless Diamond is reputed to surround it's bearer with misfortune. Yet it is supremely beautiful, and therein lies its incomparable attraction.

The Hopeless Diamond had been on public display in the Treasure Room at the Congo Museum of Antiquities in the Republic of the Congo. After opening the museum on Monday morning, guards noticed that the glass cabinet had been smashed open and it's contents removed. Most of the other rare and priceless artifacts in the same room were mysteriously left untouched, though an exceedingly rare gold goblet believed to have belonged to the Knights-Templar is also missing. The priceless goblet is one of only 12 that ever existed, and was used at the Last Supper 2000 years ago.

Road blocks were set up around the museum but to no avail, and the diamond remains at large. Police are baffled by the theft. Firstly, as the largest and most famous diamond in the world, it cannot be worn in public without arousing suspicion. And secondly, with such a terrible reputation, the possessor of the Hopeless Diamond must be constantly worried by its fearsome history and fateful destiny.

Seven previous owners of the diamond are known to have met horrible or violent deaths, all within a short time of taking possession of the gem.

ordinary report

KINGPIN TIN SEEN IN SWITZERLAND SAYS SWISS NAVY

An exclusive report obtained by Loungecast from reliable Swiss Navy sources states that the world's largest robot Kingpin Tin has been sighted in Switzerland. The terrifying documents state that the Navy went on to full red alert before losing contact with Kingpin Tin as 12 Swiss F18 fighters were scrambled like an omelette.

Kingpin Tin has not been seen, at least officially, since 2006 when he was officially confirmed as being in Nth Korea around the time of the controversial long range missile tests that year. No theory or reason has yet been advanced for that visit, said government spokesperson Kim De Jung, who didn't want to be named.

However, in Switzerland, scientists fear that Kingpin Tin is there to coincide with the imminent activation of the controversial Large Hadron Collider (LHC) now being tested. It is feared that Kingpin Tin is seeking sub-atomic particles for his next-gen weapon systems which may even include hypothetical killer particles known as strangelets. If so, it would add to speculation that Kingpin Tin is developing a death ray to add to his already formidable armoury.

Back in the Tortoise Islands, in response to the Swiss crisis, the head of The Island's armed forces, General Backbreaker, is rumored to be increasing security surrounding the WCD's experimental Even Larger Particle Collider (ELPC) as their testing program continues.

The ELPC is about two miles (3.2 km) longer than the LHC.

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Number 001 — 01 September 2008

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